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Parashat Miketz

The Difference Between Healthy Guilt & Toxic Guilt

This week the Torah presents us with a master class on the dangers of guilt. Yosef’s brothers endure a series of events that cause them to introspect and wonder if their experiences are divine punishment for selling their brother all those years ago. Most people experience guilt at some point in their lives. Understanding it and learning to overcome it will determine the quality of one’s life.  

Guilt has many faces, Real guilt and Self-imposed guilt. The former, results from purposefully hurting someone and feeling sorry for doing that. The latter, where a person has decided that they should have done something but didn’t, or did something that may have caused hurt to someone else. The internal guilty voice that we hear often cripples us for years, destroying relationships, employment opportunities and the joy of life.

Parents are often so guilty about their parenting abilities they prefer to lie to others than admit their errors. Almost half of parents say they feel guilty about not regularly reading a bedtime story. A survey found 44 per cent of parents don’t read their children bedtime stories Parents said they felt so guilty they often lied to their friends about how much they read to their children.


The minister arose to address his congregation. “There is a certain man among us today who is taking money from the collection tin. Unless he puts ten pounds in the collection box, his name will be read from the pulpit.” When the collection plate came in, there were 19 ten pound notes, and a five pound note with this note attached: “Other five on payday.”

Bereishit Chapter 43: 16-18

16 And when Joseph saw Benjamin with them, he said to the steward of his house: ‘Bring the men into the house, and kill the beasts, and prepare the meat; for the men shall dine with me at noon.’17 And the man did as Joseph bade; and the man brought the men into Joseph’s house.18 And the men were afraid, because they were brought into Joseph’s house; and they said: ‘Because of the money that was returned in our sacks at the first time are we brought in; that he may seek occasion against us, and fall upon us, and take us for bondmen, and our asses.’

Guilt can be healthy

Guilt lets you know when you’re letting yourself down. The main difference between healthy guilt and toxic guilt is when you experience it. If the guilt precedes the action and there is a chance you might not go through with it then this guilt is helpful. However if this voice is ignored it gets louder and instead of hearing that voice before you act, you don’t hear it until after you’ve already done the thing you might not really have wanted to do this becomes toxic guilt. Now it’s yelling at you and this guilt can destroy you.

The mystical text of the Zohar comments on the verses cited above, that Yosef’s brothers, ten strong men became frightened in front of Yosef because of the guilt that was swelling inside of them for selling their brother. They saw him standing alone and remembered their brother who was all alone.

The failure to address the past often hinders the future. When we confront our errors we discover the strength needed to succeed in life. We always had this strength, when we choose to live guilt free we have access to it.

Shabbat Shalom- – Chanuka Sameach—go on have another doughnut- don’t feel guilty.

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