When Eliyohu Ha’Novi faced off against the wicked prophets of Baal, he challenged his audience to make a choice saying, “How long will you keep hopping between two opinions?” Their confusion lay in thinking you can worship Hashem and avoda zara in a perverse mix of religious devotion. Ultimately, Eliyohu showed them how wrong they were, leading the nation to call out “Hashem hu Ha’Elokim!”
Eliyohu Ha’Novi’s challenge question has become a catch phrase and synonymous with a perspective that people act according to one approach and behave systematically, some things just don’t mix! It is also used to explain why we can’t always achieve all that we want. There are limits to human capabilities, we cannot do everything. Yet, there are moments in life when Hashem decides that a person will experience two very different moments at the same time, ecstasy and despair, jubilation and anguish, pushing us to the limits of our own abilities.
All parents yearn to stand under the chuppah. In the last month I have stood and danced under two chuppahs, experiencing two very different feelings. The first was the emotional and beautiful chuppah that was set up to accompany the Sefer Torah written in memory of our son Naftoli Meir z’’l. The second was the beautiful and emotional chuppah that my daughter stood under on the Tuesday after Pesach.
Our son, did not merit to build his own home, leaving this world after a short illness, just a month short of his 16th birthday. Holding the Sefer Torah that was written l’ilui nishmoso felt on some level like we were holding him once again. Standing under the chuppah I mourned the chuppah that will never be, but also felt that the symbolism of a chuppah was most appropriate in relation to the life he lived and the narrative that we tell about his life. The Torah tells us little of the physical dwelling places of its’ heroes, other than Avrohom and Soroh. In their case, we know they lived in a tent that had openings on each side. They built their home on the foundations of kindness, benevolence and hospitality. They wanted others to find peace and tranquillity, a home within their space. They shared their blessings with others, allowing those others to actualise their own blessings. They wanted to see people and help them, using their resources to help others and not themselves.
The chuppah therefore is a symbol of a model Jewish home. Standing beneath a chuppah we experience spiritually what Avrohom and Soroh created together. Naftoli built his spiritual home on the same principles. Kindness and benevolence were the pillars upon which his legacy stands. When school years come to an end, teenagers can easily drift apart from each other. Each clique choosing its’ own Yeshiva. During the uplifting and inspiring procession, I noticed through my tears his class coming back together. The boys with black hats dancing and remembering their friend together with boys who are studying in religious Zionist yeshivas. Uniting and demonstrating that ultimately, friendship and togetherness are noble qualities that we all (ought to) subscribe too. This unifying spirit is integral to the story of our son’s life.
The chuppah is also viewed as symbolic of Hashem’s sheltering presence. Here too, I felt a connection to our son. The text that follows is an exert from a letter I received a few months after his pure neshomo left this world. “I moved from another school and I was struggling hugely to settle in. One day I walked into the playground and there were people playing football and chatting but I didn’t feel like it and I stood by myself in a corner. Then Toli (Naftoli) came up to me, I’d never spoken to him before, (I didn’t know his name even at that point) and he asked me how I was and if everything was ok. From then on, every break for a few weeks then months I’d talk to Toli about random things. I’m 100% indebted to Toli for that simple act. I was struggling and he pulled me up, he is the reason I am who I am.”
We know of the Mitzvah to emulate Hashem, how national Kedusha is predicated on the notion that we must be Kadosh like Hashem is. We have the capacity to become so much greater when we tap into qualities in our neshomo and develop a real connection and relationship with Hashem. Naftoli was the shelter for others, like Hashem and a chuppah are shelters for us.
My second Chuppah at our daughter’s wedding took me to a very different emotional place. The child that made us into parents and now parents in law is moving on to set up, her own bayis neeman b’yisroel, be’ezras Hashem. This chuppah represented the future not the past, a life to live, challenges to overcome and a continuation of two families building new generations. Under this chuppah I imagined the home that would now be built. Years of investing in our children, losing sleep, crying as Tehilim are said for their success reaching a crescendo as two families with shared Torah values, both in mitzvos bein odom le’mokom and those bein odom la’chaveiro fuse together. I had the zechus to address the Chosson and Kallah (special thanks to those who were there for your silence and kovod Ha’torah) and I asked them to learn the lessons from the past as they embark on a new future path together. 3334 years ago, our ancestors were wondering from Mara, to Eilim to Midbar Sin. They really struggled often complaining at perceived injustices and questioning Hashem’s love. No less a challenge are the good times when we have what we want. It’s easy to moan and get angry at Hashem when the bad times arrive, but what about the good times? Genuine religion, not the external version (Frumkeit) demands that we see Hashem in all aspects of our life. That we embrace Hashem’s love daily and express our thanks.
The “tests” that Hashem gives us in life are there to make us become the people we are capable of being {NB - if you are frustrated that your life seems more challenging than others, please understand that you are more capable than others. In an army some soldiers are simple foot soldiers whilst others are special forces, taking on more challenging tasks, maybe you are in Hashem’s special forces}.
What happens to us is often not within our control,but how we react to what happens, is. The Bnei Yisroel took a long time to learn this lesson. Let me conclude with a personal comment about my daughter the Kallah. The Medrash comments that no one sung a song to Hashem till the Shira was sung at the Yam Suf. We know that Odom and Avrohom sung to Hashem. However, the difference is that they only sung about the good, whereas the Shira at the Yam Suf contained references to the negative events of being chased by the Mitzrim and the salvation by Hashem. The events surrounding the first Chuppah could have silenced the song of Torah from our lives. Anger, despair, grief are overwhelming emotions. Boruch Hashem this has not happened. The Medrash introduces its comments with the posuk פִּיהָ פָּתְחָה בְחָכְמָה the Chochma my daughter has is the wisdom to continue singing the song of Torah and connection to Hashem, to see the test as part of a big plan and ultimately the continued love of Hashem in our lives. It’s now the Omer and no more weddings are being set up. I’m putting my chuppah dancing shoes away for now but will strive to live the lessons I have been taught.
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